· ✦ · Dear Sister · ✦ ·
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Why I Stayed Even When I Saw the Red Flags 🚩
Part 2 — Why I Excused the Red Flags (And Blamed Myself Instead)
I wasn’t a “good girl.”
I was a rebel.
At home, I felt unseen.
Ignored.
Emotionally unsafe.
So outside, I became bold.
Strong.
Untouchable.
But rebellion is often just pain with makeup on.
I grew up knowing God.
I believed in Him.
I prayed.
But knowing God and knowing yourself are two different journeys.
And I was still learning who I was.
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I Was Already Carrying Trauma
Before my first boyfriend, I had already experienced abuse.
I was young.
I didn’t have a healthy model of love.
I didn’t have protection the way a girl should.
So when he came into my life,
he didn’t feel unfamiliar.
He felt familiar.
And the Bible says,
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23
But no one taught me how to guard mine.
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Being With Him Felt Like Escape
Being with him meant I didn’t have to sit with the tension at home.
It was distraction.
Intensity.
Attention.
He chose me loudly.
And when you grow up feeling overlooked,
being chosen feels like oxygen.
Even if the person choosing you is unstable.
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I Was Abused
I need to say this clearly.
I was abused.
Emotionally.
Psychologically.
Physically.
Sexually.
And I was very young.
He was my first boyfriend.
When something unhealthy is your first experience of love,
you don’t know it’s unhealthy.
You think love is supposed to hurt.
But Scripture says,
“God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” — 1 Corinthians 14:33
And that relationship was confusion.
Not peace.
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He Saw My Vulnerability
He sensed my need to be loved.
My instability at home.
My softness beneath the rebellion.
And he used it.
He controlled what I wore.
He didn’t want me to have male friends.
He became jealous even of my best friend.
If a man looked at me, it was a problem.
He would fight men just for looking at me.
At the time, I thought:
He must really love me.
But love is not possession.
“Perfect love drives out fear.” — 1 John 4:18
And I lived in fear.
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He Treated Me Like He Owned Me
He monitored me through his friends.
Even after we broke up.
He needed to know where I was.
Who I was with.
What I was doing.
I felt watched.
That is not protection.
That is control.
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Every Time I Tried to Leave
When I cried and tried to end it,
he cried harder.
He would beg.
He would say it was my fault.
He would say he couldn’t live without me.
And I believed him.
Because I was already carrying shame.
If he was in pain, I felt responsible.
If he was angry, I thought I caused it.
So I prayed.
I would pray,
“God, please change him.”
“God, help him.”
“God, fix this.”
But I never prayed,
“God, remove me.”
And sometimes we pray for restoration
when God is trying to give us escape.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” — Psalm 34:18
He was close to me.
Even when I was confused.
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Why I Excused It
Because leaving meant facing my wounds.
Staying meant distraction.
Staying meant attachment.
Staying meant I didn’t have to confront what was broken at home
or what had already been broken in me.
When you are wounded,
you don’t search for healthy.
You search for familiar.
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Faith, But Immature
I loved God.
But I was young in understanding.
I thought endurance made me holy.
I thought suffering meant loyalty.
I thought if I prayed enough, God would transform him.
But Scripture never tells women to endure abuse to prove faith.
God calls us daughters.
Chosen.
Protected.
Valuable.
“For I know the plans I have for you… plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11
Abuse was never my future.
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Dear Sister,
If you are staying because you feel guilty,
because he cries,
because you think you can fix him,
because you are running from something else
I understand.
You are not weak.
You were wounded.
And wounded girls often become women who over-love.
But God does not ask you to bleed quietly.
He asks you to walk in truth.
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In Part 3, I’ll tell you what finally broke the bond.
What made me stop blaming myself.
What made me call it what it was.
What made me choose peace over chaos.
Because healing began the moment I stopped calling abuse “love.”
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Sister,
You can love God
and still be in a toxic relationship.
You can pray
and still feel trapped.
But God’s voice will always sound like peace
not fear.
With love,
Josefina ✦
